Motherhood, Money, and The War On Women
Note: This piece was originally featured on my Chicago Tribune Sex & Money blog.
Hello, Sex & Money readers. Yeah, I know. I’m an inconsistent blogger. Sorry about that. An explanation: I’ve been busy building a career, working non-stop, and must, in turn, direct my efforts toward things that, well, pay. So while I look forward to changing the American cultural landscape with musings on all things gender-and-cash-related, this girl’s gotta work to get paid before she can work…well, writing for fun on a Tribune-sponsored blog (couldn’t think of anything that rhymed here).
Anyway, after taking a few minutes to catch up on political “news” this week, I felt compelled to tackle at least one of the issues that’s blowing up the poli-women-socio-economic-blogosphere: Ann Romney’s alleged “War on Women.”
Without going into my specific politics (something anyone who knows me can’t believe is going uncommented upon), I agree with the majority of femi-bloggers in that there currently exists a war on women being waged across the American geo-political landscape.
But here’s the (not-surprising) thing: I think women are the ones dragging down our own rights, respect, and responsibility. And while this observation is hardly the most observant or original, allow me make a few observations on where women “go wrong:”
* Agonizing/Apologizing About/For the Stay-At-Home vs. “Work” Dilemma: Admittedly, I’m not yet a mother (let the crowing begin), so I fail to completely understand the details of this war-waged-within-the-gender issue (as recently highlighted by the Anne Romney comments/debate).
Here’s the thing, though: I’ve thought a lot about having and raising children. And, knowing myself, when I do have kids (and continue working outside the home a ridiculous # of hours/week, because, honestly, I’ve sacrificed too much to stop once I’ve “made it”), my choices will inevitably bear significant personal and professional expense. And given how much women ALREADY criticize my short hemlines, personal decisions, and vulgar vocabulary, I’m confident more than a few will question whatever names I choose for my offspring, decisions I make about their future, and nannies I employ for their care. Men, however (and refreshingly), as in most things will remain at worst indifferent and at best supportive about whatever choices I make during the progress. As well they (and women) should.
In short, in fighting the “mommy wars,” women now find themselves standing opposite each other, verbally and emotionally destroying the other side while men do less work at home and continue to dominate at the office. Who’s really winning here?
* The Slut, Whore, Hooker Conundrum: Why do women continue to buy into limited, lame, and narrow views of sexuality? I call this the “She’s such a slut,” aka, “She’s not one of us” issue.
Girls, here’s a question: can you read this all the way back in 1938? I have one request for you: stop it. Just…stop it. Stop defining yourselves and others through the demeaning (and male-centric) lens of “male-approved (limited) sexuality is the best sexuality.” To wit: I am routinely dismayed, when I log into FB daily (yeah, I know) and read memes from girls THEMSELVES that call women “sluts,” “whores,” and “b1tches.” Women, please, I beseech you: make your own decisions, others will make theirs, and the world will continue spinning. Not everything has to be a gossipable moment. And when it comes to personal, “in-the-bedroom” decisions, be adults. Be responsible. Be happy.
“She’s so (fill-in-the-blank-disparaging-comment-about-appearance)”:I can’t help but give props to (of all people, an actress) Ashley Judd for her amazingly empowering piece in the Daily Beast, posted last week. Without repeating the joint, she called out women for buying into the American patriarchal system that degrades, demeans, and demands physical “perfection” (as narrowly-defined) from women. Here’s the thing: I hear, read, and consume far, far, far more terrible judgments and comments from women about women than I ever do men. In my experience, it seems women far-more-than-men use the physical to disempower…who? Other women? Since when did male approval exist as the sole currency within the world? (Cue my “the bar for success for professional women is half-as-high as that for men” rant…no…wait…).
I mean, have you ever READ a woman’s magazine? Traditional “men’s” magazines (i.e. GQ, Esquire, etc.) inspire and, yeah, empower their readers. “How To Pick Out The Best Dinner Jacket” and “Here’s a Photo-Spread on Lynn Tilton” (maybe in my dreams, but whatever). What do women’s magazines demand? “PERFECT YOURSELF FOR HIM” and “LOSE WEIGHT, GAIN HIS LOVE AND YOUR SELF-ESTEEM” and “Here’s a Photo spread of…Hot Women” (as opposed to attractive men). I mean, after an hour spent reading this dreck, and I feel like I’ve endured “Haze Week” at the Tri-Delt house.
So…yeah. As I bid adieu, I’d like to pose one final question: What is it about women that craves and, even worse, supports this self-punishment, deprivation, and cruelty? Damned if I know.
I just know I have some more work to get back to.
Happy Monday